Divorce

One of my favorite movies is Fireproof. In this movie, the (fireman) husband struggles with addictions and the couple is thinking about divorce. The husband then goes to his father and the father gives the son a book that is supposed to help the build back up the marriage after the damage. The reason this movie really stands out to me is because of the message it sends. Marriages are worth saving. There can be detrimental side effects from divorce. “Fireproof doesn’t mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it.” –Fireproof

First I want to talk about “The Four Horsemen” from John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman explains that just like there are The Four Horsemen for the Apocalypse talked about in the bible there are also Four Horsemen of Divorce. It is through these four things that Dr. Gottman has been able to predict if a couple is headed towards divorce.

The First Horseman is Criticism. Gottman states that “You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there is a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism.” A complaint is when you are just disappointed or a little angry that something happened. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior. A criticism throws blame into the mix and “character assassination”. He also states that a famous way to turn a complaint into a criticism is to add “What is wrong  with you?”  The first horseman is actually the most common according to Gottman. If this is on our marriages or relationships it is an easy fix. Be aware of how our word can be perceived and that way we canavoid criticizing our loved ones.

The Second Horseman is Contempt. What exactly is contempt? Gottman says it is sarcasm and criticism with name-calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. “Contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust… Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation. Where does contempt come from? It comes from long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. Sometimes rude jokes might seem funny to the person saying it but to the partner it is a form of contempt.

The Third Horseman is Defensiveness. Defensiveness is just a way of blaming your partner. The person that is defending oneself might see it as a need to prove a point but more than likely it will not make the other back down or apologize. In an essence when we are defending ourselves it is just saying to the partner that the problem isn’t us it’s them. Gottman uses the analogy that criticism, contempt, and defensiveness do not just come into a home in this order they take turns like in a relay race, continually handing over the baton off to each other over and over again.

The Fourth and final Horseman is Stonewalling. Stonewalling takes time to come into effect. Over time the negativity sets into a person and they become disengaged from their spouse. They have started to put up a wall because they couldn’t care less about what the partner has to say. I think of this like the silent treatment. It is the point in the argument when the partner just doesn’t care to respond. They are done. Once a wall is put up it is harder to take it down.

These four warning signs are good for couples to look out for in their own marriages so that they can be actively trying to keep their love and marriage alive. Most couples that decide to end their marriage believe that this is the best thing for everyone, in some cases this may be the case but not all. Divorce can have a negative effect on children. According to Psychology Today “For the young child, divorce shakes trust in dependency on parents who now behave in an extremely undependable way. They surgically divide the family unit into two different households between which the child must learn to transit back and forth, for a while creating unfamiliarity, instability, and insecurity, never being able to be with one parent without having to be apart from the other.”

According to the American College of Pediatricians, divorce can lead to significant losses that parents need to acknowledge before going through with a divorce. The first loss is that children will lose time with each parent. The next loss is economic security. In most cases both parents will have to get a fulltime job to make ends meet on their own. Another loss is emotional security. “Wallerstein’s long-term study shows that many children never have full “recovery” as each special event, holiday, or celebration reminds the child of his/her loss.”