T.I.M.E. Together In Moments that Endure

In the everyday bustle of life, how often is time significant? How often do we look at a clock? Check our schedule? Wish and hope for more hours in the day? I would say most of us feel like, "time is of the essence" and that we just don't have enough of it. It seems practical enough to schedule our days according our clocks, but what happens when our lives are run by the hands on our watch instead of what is most important? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines time as, "the thing that is measured as seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, etc.". I have chosen to redefine this word as it relates to the un-measurable moments achieved through quality time spent with spouses, friends, loved ones, and families. T.I.M.E. -- Together In Moments that Endure. Long lasting relationships within families are created through being together, being present with one another, and engaging in activities that strengthen the family unit. Family Facts explains that family time is a wise investment. The benefits of such time include;

"...greater emotional bonding within the family, Children’s academic success is associated with having mothers who frequently communicated with them, Adolescents whose parents are involved in their lives tend to exhibit fewer behavioral problems, Teens whose parents are home with them after school and in the evening are less likely to experience emotional distress, and Teens who frequently have dinner with their families are at a lower risk for substance abuse."

The 1993 Family and Medical Leave Act (FAML) provided employees both male and female with "job-protected, unpaid leave of up to 12 weeks to take care of a newborn, a sick or newly adopted child, or a spouse or parent or to tend to the employee's personal serious medical condition." (Baird, Reynolds, 2004). The act was in response to two pressing matters effecting those in the work place; taking care of children, and elderly family members. Through the research of Baird and Reynolds, they set out to uncover why only 3.6% of working adults had knowledge of and took advantage of the benefits offered through this act in 1995-1996. Although their research uncovered that many factors go into that low percentage, one major factor was the lack of knowledge that the benefits were available. This low percentage, decreases the time parents actually spent at home due to their careers. Not much has changed in the past 11 years, with more and more dual-career families and single-parent households, nor has the fact that parents and children are spending less time together. So how do we increase that time and make it count whether you are a military family with a deployed spouse, a single parent, a dual-career household, or a stay-at-home parent. Family Facts describes "core" activities for families that are low-cost, everyday activities that can aide in the T.I.M.E. families spend. In my own life these activities range from jumping on the trampoline to reading bedtime stories to feeding the ducks at the local park, and most recently a daily cool down in the water hose and storage tub (pictured). These things do indeed take time, but it is the T.I.M.E. that makes them worthwhile.

Here is an example of a single mother, Conni, who is raising four children, and how they enjoy their T.I.M.E. There are numerous organizations who aim at creating T.I.M.E. for families, one is Family Events a national organization that provides family friendly events in the realm of motor sports such as monster trucks, motocross, mud racing, muscle cars, etc. They have nearly 60,000 people who are involved in their cause to provide such entertainment to families. Another, more well-known establishment is Chick-Fil-A who provides events across the country in many communities to promote the importance of family T.I.M.E. Our time is valuable, maybe even limited, but our T.I.M.E. is invaluable and forever. Making your T.I.M.E. count with with your family initiates benefits beyond the walls of your home, and trickles into building a society set with high standards and morals. References: Employee Awareness of Family Leave Benefits: The Effects of Family, Work, and Gender Author(s): Chardie L. Baird and John R. Reynolds Source: The Sociological Quarterly, Vol. 45, No. 2 (Spring, 2004), pp. 325-353 Published by: Wiley on behalf of the Midwest Sociological Society Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/4121175 Accessed: 10-07-2016 17:29 UTC

Births Out of Wedlock

Out-of-wedlock births is a relatively new concept but it can have a huge impact on families. One study called “Approval of Out-of-Wedlock Births Growing in U.S” discusses how Americans' views have become more liberal on different moral issues over the past 15 years. During this time, people have become more accepting of parents having children outside of marriage. (Jones, 2015). This can definitely be a problem because it is becoming a social norm and it is escalating quickly.

One study called “Out-of-Wedlock Childbearing, Marital Prospects and Mate Selection” says,  Women who have children outside of marriage are more likely to cohabit than to marry. It is also more likely that these women will be with or married less-educated and older partners. (Zenchao, et al.) This kind of household is unstable for children according to research. 

Another study called “Out-of-Wedlock Births, Premarital Pregnancies and their Effect on Family Formation and Dissolution” says women who had their first child outside of marriage were a lot more likely to experience marital disruption than women who had not been pregnant or mothers during their first marriage. Women who were first married in 1970-1974, 29 percent separated within five years who had already had a child at the time of their marriage. Also, 23 percent of women separated within five years who had been pregnant with their first child at the time of their marriage, whereas only 18 percent of women separated who had not given birth and had not been pregnant at marriage. This marital instability experienced by women who married while pregnant or after having a child is related to their economically disadvantaged position. Many of these women, and their husbands, had low educational levels and low levels of employment, and if they were employed, they were not likely to hold professional or managerial jobs. Coincidentally, they tended to have low family income. Overall, the data shows that families in which the woman has experienced an out-of-wedlock pregnancy or birth, struggled. (O’Connell & Rogers). This shows that having children out of wedlock can impact a later marriage.

There are no programs on this issue but I definitely think there should be. According to the research, in order to prevent out of wedlock births, it is best to either encourage early marriage or to encourage delayed childbearing until marriage.

I think people don’t really understand how much having a child out-of-wedlock impacts a child and a family in general. It is just totally acceptable now. If we can get the word out about how bad it really is, this will help a lot. I think one way to get the word out there would be to hold seminars.

              

Here is a link to a video from Fox News in which they discuss why the approval of out-of-wedlock births are growing:

http://video.foxnews.com/v/4265070532001/why-is-approval-of-out-of-wedlock-births-growing/?#sp=show-clips

The superhero mom's

                These last couple of weeks I have been thinking so much about how stay at home moms are viewed, how so often it is seen as a burden and as something that could be a sign of weakness. My goal in writing today is to prove how powerful and strong a mother who stays at home really is. I feel so often mothers who stayed at home are viewed as living a life of luxury because they get to stay at home, for some reason the title “stay-at-home-mom” brings off the image of a mom in her pajamas sitting on the couch all day while the children play happily in their rooms. This is not the case at all if anything a mother is even lucky if she can get five minutes to herself, it’s an ongoing job that allows no breaks and sometimes no sleep. As I was searching I came across an old mother’s day video that will bring any opinion of a stay at home mother to the highest level.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_3941651401&feature=iv&src_vid=MWcJZ210AaM&v=NDmHcTLdKGk

          The world’s toughest job as the video put it is one of the simplest way’s to do it. We often times don’t think about the after work hours that mom’s put in and the day’s off that mothers don’t normally have from staying home with the children. There are so many times that a mother must forget herself and focus on her children and yet they do it all with a smile and a positive attitude, they will say it’s the most rewarding job that they have ever had and know that they are not JUST a stay at home mom they ARE a stay at home mom. As I was looking into this more I was able to find a quote by Linda Wooten that says, “Being a mother is about strengths you didn’t know you had…and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed”.

We all need to be so careful in how we treat our mothers and stay at home mothers, we need to be careful in how we come across and also careful that we are not quick to judge because we do not know what situation someone may be in. If you are struggling with the fact of being a stay at home mom, remember one important fact, you are needed, you are a superhero that no other person can replace and it’s only you that will be their mother forever. 

Divorce

One of my favorite movies is Fireproof. In this movie, the (fireman) husband struggles with addictions and the couple is thinking about divorce. The husband then goes to his father and the father gives the son a book that is supposed to help the build back up the marriage after the damage. The reason this movie really stands out to me is because of the message it sends. Marriages are worth saving. There can be detrimental side effects from divorce. “Fireproof doesn’t mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it.” –Fireproof

First I want to talk about “The Four Horsemen” from John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman explains that just like there are The Four Horsemen for the Apocalypse talked about in the bible there are also Four Horsemen of Divorce. It is through these four things that Dr. Gottman has been able to predict if a couple is headed towards divorce.

The First Horseman is Criticism. Gottman states that “You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there is a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism.” A complaint is when you are just disappointed or a little angry that something happened. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior. A criticism throws blame into the mix and “character assassination”. He also states that a famous way to turn a complaint into a criticism is to add “What is wrong  with you?”  The first horseman is actually the most common according to Gottman. If this is on our marriages or relationships it is an easy fix. Be aware of how our word can be perceived and that way we canavoid criticizing our loved ones.

The Second Horseman is Contempt. What exactly is contempt? Gottman says it is sarcasm and criticism with name-calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. “Contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust… Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation. Where does contempt come from? It comes from long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. Sometimes rude jokes might seem funny to the person saying it but to the partner it is a form of contempt.

The Third Horseman is Defensiveness. Defensiveness is just a way of blaming your partner. The person that is defending oneself might see it as a need to prove a point but more than likely it will not make the other back down or apologize. In an essence when we are defending ourselves it is just saying to the partner that the problem isn’t us it’s them. Gottman uses the analogy that criticism, contempt, and defensiveness do not just come into a home in this order they take turns like in a relay race, continually handing over the baton off to each other over and over again.

The Fourth and final Horseman is Stonewalling. Stonewalling takes time to come into effect. Over time the negativity sets into a person and they become disengaged from their spouse. They have started to put up a wall because they couldn’t care less about what the partner has to say. I think of this like the silent treatment. It is the point in the argument when the partner just doesn’t care to respond. They are done. Once a wall is put up it is harder to take it down.

These four warning signs are good for couples to look out for in their own marriages so that they can be actively trying to keep their love and marriage alive. Most couples that decide to end their marriage believe that this is the best thing for everyone, in some cases this may be the case but not all. Divorce can have a negative effect on children. According to Psychology Today “For the young child, divorce shakes trust in dependency on parents who now behave in an extremely undependable way. They surgically divide the family unit into two different households between which the child must learn to transit back and forth, for a while creating unfamiliarity, instability, and insecurity, never being able to be with one parent without having to be apart from the other.”

According to the American College of Pediatricians, divorce can lead to significant losses that parents need to acknowledge before going through with a divorce. The first loss is that children will lose time with each parent. The next loss is economic security. In most cases both parents will have to get a fulltime job to make ends meet on their own. Another loss is emotional security. “Wallerstein’s long-term study shows that many children never have full “recovery” as each special event, holiday, or celebration reminds the child of his/her loss.”

Excessive Debt

Debt isn’t something people realize affects children as well as adults. After all, children aren’t the ones who have to pay the bills. They don’t have to stare at the credit card statement every month. So, how is this a threat to the family?

When debt is a problem in a household it spills into everything else, including the family. Children’s Society did a survey about children and debt and this is what they found.

The report reveals the numerous ways that debt affects children's lives:

Bullying - Children in families with problem debt are more than twice as likely to be unhappy at school and be bullied because they don’t have the same things as their friends.

Worry - More than half of children (58%) in families with problem debt say they worry about their family’s financial situation

Family - Half of children in families with problem debt (47%) say it causes arguments in the family.

Going without - Nine out of ten families in problem debt say they have had to cut back on essentials like food, clothing or heating for their children in order to keep up repayments.

Early exposure to debt - More than half of children aged 10 to 17 said they saw advertising for loans ‘often’ or ‘all of the time’. But only one in five children said that their school had taught them about money management and debt.

There are laws and policies out there to help families battle debt. One is the The Fair Debt Collection Practices Act (FDCPA). The FDCPA forbids debt collection companies from using abusive, unfair or deceptive practices to collect past due debts from you.

Children’s Society suggest that regulators should make sure that creditors have ‘early warning systems’ in place, so they know when their customers are facing financial difficulties and offer advice and support. Earlier and wider access to debt support and advice could help families put the brakes on a downward cycle of debt and reduce the impact on children.

There are several resources and ways for families to help get a hold of their debt. The most popular and (for me personally) a great way is the Dave Ramsey method. His website at  http://www.daveramsey.com/home/?snid=home offers help, advice and motivation for family struggling with debt. 

My husband and I had $35,000 in debt when we got married. It was difficult for us and caused a strain in our marriage, but we buckled down and got to work. We took it one step at a time and worked nonstop to rid ourselves of the chain of debt. We actually followed the Dave Ramsey plan and became debt free 11 years later. It was a long road, but it's worth it. 

Getting out of debt is possible. It's not easy and and take a long time, but the benefits are great, not only for you, but for your kids. They  learn about money management, problem solving, setting priorities, and accomplishing long term goals. Your bond as a family will grow as you work together to get through this trial. 

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/youth-curriculum/11-november?lang=eng